Oh, Hi!

So I haven't posted in a long time. Granted, I've had a pretty good excuse...I've been in a pretty major depressive phase since Christmas. I'm just coming out of it and am starting to see things a little brighter, but I'm not nearly at the end of it. It always amazes me how long it can take to come out of these things.

There really isn't anything I can compare it to, being at the bottom of that pit...not even being able to see the light at the top...clawing at the sides trying to get out, but just (in the words of Simon and Garfunkel) "slip-slidin' away." But, it's also the biggest comfort in the world to know that there's my husband, waiting for me, giving me a helping hand when I'll accept it, and always at my side no matter what. And add a tremendous psychiatrist to the mix...one who shows honest compassion and feeling...and I don't think I could have a better support network.

My only real worry is what my depression does to my kids. They are the center of my universe, but when my world is closing in on me, the universe is sometimes blocked out. That is also compounded by the fact that depression has such a huge genetic link...it makes me especially worried about my daughter, who already shows a propensity to be an emotional and "dramarific" little person.

But, with the help of a pretty good medication adjustment, I'm on my way up. The sides of the pit aren't slippery slopes anymore, I'm enjoying my life again, and those everyday tasks no longer seem overwhelming.

Now, I would've liked to have written a little more, but it's a "snow" day here -- meaning we got a little bit of sleet and everything shut down -- and I'm taking the kids to my parents' house to do a little slippin' and slidin' on their ice-covered front porch.

Whither do you Wander?

So, I've realized in the last few nights that I have a real problem. The kids generally go to bed at 7:30 and then, after they're all tucked in, I can't figure out what to do with myself. It's definitely anxiety as I sit and wiggle and wander and I can't figure out what to do with myself. I get grumpy and sarcastic (that's nothing new) and generally irritable. I realized last night that I need something to do to fill the time between their bed time and my bed time...because this "mood" I've been in is going to kill my marriage if I don't figure something out.

I know what I don't want to do:
Play on the computer
Read
Write
Eat
Watch TV

I tried just going to bed early, but I ended up getting up between 2:30 and 4 and wandering again. That definitely wasn't a good option.

So, in an attempt to get myself a "hobby," I went to Wal-Mart today and got yarn and new crochet hooks. I also picked up some knitting needles, though I don't know how to knit. I figure I can find a good website that will show me how. I just can't take the wandering jittery feeling anymore. I also got a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle in hopes that Frank and I can work on it after the kids are in bed. We used to do puzzles all the time, but it's been a while for sure.

I did talk to my doctor about it and got some Vistoril to hopefully help. So far, I haven't seen any difference.

I really, really feel like I'm on the edge of a depression. UGH.