Rejection

I'm a pretty sensitive person and often have to convince myself that something said to me was not out of spite, or mean, or mean-hearted. Not always, but sometimes I feel like the whole world is out to bring me down and I spend days, like today, dealing with it in my own messed-up way. Part of my sensitivity is due to an over-stimulated sense of rejection I get when people push me aside...even if it isn't meant to hurt my feelings. I'm also especially sensitive to how my parents and I interact, and today I'm going to write about that.

The wonderful holiday that I had hoped for has not gone according to my plan and I know that, partly, it's my fault for feeling the way I do right now. My aunts and uncle came in the day after Christmas, were here for a day, and then they all went down to visit my brother, 6 hours away in Houma. No big deal...we had a couple of days to just be quiet and enjoy each others' company while everyone was gone. On Friday, I prepared red beans and rice and cabbage for them...to celebrate the New Year...after they got back. It was a wonderful dinner and we talked about Saturday (today) and dinner again. Well, my Mom decided that they would invite their friends over for dinner and told me around noon today that Frank, the kids, and I were not invited. Why she didn't tell me this last night when we were talking of tonight is beyond my comprehension; but, the intense feeling of rejection I got from that exchange on the phone today threw all my New-Year-optimism right out the window. I spent the rest of the day wondering why I couldn't escape the feeling of shame and embarrassment I felt, and wondering why I couldn't be accepted by my family when they were so willing to run off to visit my brother.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so sensitive. I know they just want an adult evening, but I will not get to see my aunts and uncle again before they leave tomorrow, and I may not see them again for years (this is the first time in 4 years I've seen them). It was so important for me to have them here during the holiday season and now, while I'll enjoy the few hours I did get to spend with them, I cannot lose this feeling of not being wanted...something that's haunted me my entire life. It's the raw area in my soul that festers.

I told Frank this afternoon that a mother is the well-spring. It's where all things start...the beginning of a person's being. I already am very attune to that raw feeling of rejection in my heart, and while my Mom did not maliciously try to hurt me, I cannot invalidate the feelings I had today. What remains to be seen is whether I can pick myself up from my hurt and continue on...regain that feeling of optimism I had this morning. I feel guilty and ashamed of feeling this way and I'm not sure that there will ever be a sense of trust there again, between my Mom and me. It was a tenuous, though always courteous, relationship in the best of times. We've never been incredibly close and I've always desired that closeness that other mother/daughter relationships seem to have. Perhaps it's time for me to realize that what I desire will never become actualized and that I should accept what relationship we do have.

I've always been a dreamer, perhaps I need to come down to Earth for a change.

I'm awake again...

at 3 AM. It seems a pattern has emerged where I wake up every morning at 3 AM. I'm not liking this early wake-up call because I generally can't sleep well after I get up. So, I'm going to do something useful and then try and go back to sleep for a while.

I've been in a pretty major funk for the last few weeks. I managed to slide through Christmas with a pasted smile on my face, but it was hard. It takes all my energy to get up in the morning, get the kids off to wherever they need to be, and get myself to school or work. Luckily, I'm off work this week, so I've mostly just sat on the couch eating peanut butter M&Ms and watching TV (anything that makes me cry is a plus). This is the first Christmas season that this has ever happened to me.

You see, I'm haunted by memories. I dream about old friends and old family, then I wake up at 3 AM and can't shake the dream and the people stick in my mind for the rest of the night/morning. It started with my Grandpa Walf, who died during my first leave from my ship in 1996. That's freakin' 14 years ago and he still haunts my dreams as if I saw him yesterday. It's gone on to other people that are out of my life now and I spend the hours of 3-7 AM thinking about those I've dreamed about and not going back to sleep.

I'm not kidding you -- this has been one of the worst down periods of my life. I literally have to force myself out of bed and I worry that one day I won't be able to do that, either.

The good news? I started back on Pristiq about a week ago and I've been feeling slightly more confident as the days go on. Hopefully, within another week, the effect will be more pronounced and I'll be able to get out and about with more vigor, instead of doing the basics just to get through the day. Like Frank said last night, I've been on "auto pilot" for the last couple of weeks, and it sucks. I want to do so much more, but lack the energy to do anything. Pristiq worked wonders before and I trust that it'll do it again and I just have to give it time to work.

I know from experience that these periods won't last forever, though it often feels like forever at the time. And it does feel like forever now...