I'm a pretty sensitive person and often have to convince myself that something said to me was not out of spite, or mean, or mean-hearted. Not always, but sometimes I feel like the whole world is out to bring me down and I spend days, like today, dealing with it in my own messed-up way. Part of my sensitivity is due to an over-stimulated sense of rejection I get when people push me aside...even if it isn't meant to hurt my feelings. I'm also especially sensitive to how my parents and I interact, and today I'm going to write about that.
The wonderful holiday that I had hoped for has not gone according to my plan and I know that, partly, it's my fault for feeling the way I do right now. My aunts and uncle came in the day after Christmas, were here for a day, and then they all went down to visit my brother, 6 hours away in Houma. No big deal...we had a couple of days to just be quiet and enjoy each others' company while everyone was gone. On Friday, I prepared red beans and rice and cabbage for them...to celebrate the New Year...after they got back. It was a wonderful dinner and we talked about Saturday (today) and dinner again. Well, my Mom decided that they would invite their friends over for dinner and told me around noon today that Frank, the kids, and I were not invited. Why she didn't tell me this last night when we were talking of tonight is beyond my comprehension; but, the intense feeling of rejection I got from that exchange on the phone today threw all my New-Year-optimism right out the window. I spent the rest of the day wondering why I couldn't escape the feeling of shame and embarrassment I felt, and wondering why I couldn't be accepted by my family when they were so willing to run off to visit my brother.
Perhaps I shouldn't be so sensitive. I know they just want an adult evening, but I will not get to see my aunts and uncle again before they leave tomorrow, and I may not see them again for years (this is the first time in 4 years I've seen them). It was so important for me to have them here during the holiday season and now, while I'll enjoy the few hours I did get to spend with them, I cannot lose this feeling of not being wanted...something that's haunted me my entire life. It's the raw area in my soul that festers.
I told Frank this afternoon that a mother is the well-spring. It's where all things start...the beginning of a person's being. I already am very attune to that raw feeling of rejection in my heart, and while my Mom did not maliciously try to hurt me, I cannot invalidate the feelings I had today. What remains to be seen is whether I can pick myself up from my hurt and continue on...regain that feeling of optimism I had this morning. I feel guilty and ashamed of feeling this way and I'm not sure that there will ever be a sense of trust there again, between my Mom and me. It was a tenuous, though always courteous, relationship in the best of times. We've never been incredibly close and I've always desired that closeness that other mother/daughter relationships seem to have. Perhaps it's time for me to realize that what I desire will never become actualized and that I should accept what relationship we do have.
I've always been a dreamer, perhaps I need to come down to Earth for a change.
