Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers (all 1 of you)! I hope you have a wonderfully filling day!

The Invevitable Holiday Post

Holidays bring out the best, and the worst, in me. It's a dichotomy of good v. evil that lives in a lot of us, I think. We yearn to be the providers of joy to our families and have a competitive desire to be the family member remembered for making the holiday great. Especially because I harbor some jealousy toward my brother, which he probably didn't know until this post, I try to put on a front of superiority despite riches in his presence. And my Mom succeeds in bringing that down every, single time.

Last week, I had the impression that, after Christmas, I would bring the kids down to Houma to visit my brother and his wife...especially since my aunts and uncle would be down here for the first time since Tony's wedding in 2003. It's not like we have the dough to just jet up to Boston or out to Oregon to see them, so it's rare that I get to see them. It was enough of a hurt that they were going to go down to Houma to see Tony and Tammy without knowing that my Mom's idea of fun didn't include her grandkids seeing their great aunts and great uncle. To me, it was the idea that they'd rather show off Tony's new house than their grandchildren...it hurt my heart. I've never been able to understand my Mom's desire to trot off to Houma whenever family is in town...now I know she's embarrassed of me.

It makes sense, though. We don't have a lot of money, we tend not to be very social, and we definitely do not put on airs of importance. As such, we tend to fade into the background. Tony and Tammy don't do that, either, but they tend to be much more social, have a large network of family and friends, and spend their money on fun things because they don't have kids to funnel all their resources to. I don't envy them that because my kids are my heart and soul, along with my husband.

I did get the chance to talk to Tony tonight and mentioned that we would very much like to visit them and see their new house...especially their beautiful built-in aquarium. His response? "Why don't you come at Christmas? We'll find room."

Sigh.

Just another act that proves my Mom is more worried about appearances than us. We embarrass her, plain and simple. The things I've done to alienate myself from my Mom have eternally hurt her, and she'll never let me forget it.

Whither do you Wander?

So, I've realized in the last few nights that I have a real problem. The kids generally go to bed at 7:30 and then, after they're all tucked in, I can't figure out what to do with myself. It's definitely anxiety as I sit and wiggle and wander and I can't figure out what to do with myself. I get grumpy and sarcastic (that's nothing new) and generally irritable. I realized last night that I need something to do to fill the time between their bed time and my bed time...because this "mood" I've been in is going to kill my marriage if I don't figure something out.

I know what I don't want to do:
Play on the computer
Read
Write
Eat
Watch TV

I tried just going to bed early, but I ended up getting up between 2:30 and 4 and wandering again. That definitely wasn't a good option.

So, in an attempt to get myself a "hobby," I went to Wal-Mart today and got yarn and new crochet hooks. I also picked up some knitting needles, though I don't know how to knit. I figure I can find a good website that will show me how. I just can't take the wandering jittery feeling anymore. I also got a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle in hopes that Frank and I can work on it after the kids are in bed. We used to do puzzles all the time, but it's been a while for sure.

I did talk to my doctor about it and got some Vistoril to hopefully help. So far, I haven't seen any difference.

I really, really feel like I'm on the edge of a depression. UGH.

Early to bed, early to rise

I'm still waiting for the rest of it, though I seem to have healthy down ok, I'd love to see the wealthy and wise parts come true. I've made the mistake of going to bed too early for the last two nights. Morning comes way too early when I do that, though. At least the Sonata is working, though! I'll just have to try to adjust my bedtime. It makes for a long, long day when I get up this early.

The kids are up early this morning, too. They're gonna be hating life around 2 this afternoon. Maybe it's all still a reaction to the time change? Who knows, but this early morning stuff is for the birds (who, interestingly, aren't awake yet).

I had a good visit to my psychiatrist the other day. I still hesitate when trying to write about those visits and my depression and I'm not sure that stigma will ever fully go away. I come from a long line of post-Depression era ignorers who would rather stuff away feelings than ever share them with anyone else...not that it's always a bad thing to stuff...but this blog is about opening peoples' eyes to depression. At any rate, we're continuing the Abilify, took away Ambien, and added Sonata. I'll see him again in a month.

Other than that, I'm still waiting on an acceptable solution from pain management. Sheesh...why do I giggle every time I see those two words together??

Pain Mangement

Imagine my surprise today when I called my Pain MANAGEMENT doctor b/c my most recent foray into pain meds has left feeling, well, painful (and nauseated, fwiw). Summoning up my courage to call, I waited for most of the day before calling them back. It took 5 minutes for my 2nd call to be returned. After I told the nurse that my pain meds were not working and that perhaps I had a tolerance from 10 years off and on with them, she said, "Well, we're not going to change your medicine."

Wait a minute...don't I give you the big bucks to manage my pain? I don't care if it's extra super duper strength Aleve...it's the job of your clinic to manage my pain. If that means moving up my shot date or cutting out my discs, I don't really care.

So, I'm waiting for the office manager to call me back because I "complained" (which is short for cried over the phone about how I don't understand why the nurse was gruff with me), but I expect I'll be sitting in an office some time this week, with or without an apointment.

Once a Day, Once a Week

I've decided that I will be updating once a week instead of daily...it's just too much to ask to do all of a day's work and then update a blog, too! I mean, c'mon, I'm not superwoman.

Anyway, Abilify seems to be doing the trick. It keeps me on the level without fogging me up too much. The only thing I don't like about it is the very subtle tremor I've developed. The only thing it affects, though, is my almost textbook cursive and I can't say that's a huge disappointment, just a little heartbreak. Now, if I could just sleep at night we'd be set to go! I was taking Ambien CR, but that seems not to work anymore so I went back to plain ol' Ambien to tackle my lifelong insomnia. It wasn't very effective last night as I lay in a half-awake/half-asleep status most of the night.

I had a very good visit with my new pain-management doctor last week. We are going to try a new shot for my back, a lumbar medial branch block. I've had numerous epidural steroid injections with absolutely no success, but this one is supposed to be immediately effective and, then, when it wears off, the doctor can go in a cauterize the nerves -- effective for up to 2 years. Wouldn't it be nice if he could do that in my knees, wrists, ankles, and shoulder, too? I suppose I'd look like a spaghetti noodle walking around with that many cauterized nerves, though. In the meantime, I'm still on Neurontin and Lortab, which is honestly not very effective anymore and I'll be giving my doc a call on Monday to see if there's a different combo I can get on until December 3rd when I have my shot.

On a different note, I have to give props to my girl, Katy, this week. Yesterday, we went to a birthday party for one of her classmates. Because she's at Montessori school, she is in a class with 6, 7, and 8 year old kids. Well, one of her classmates turned 9 and had a pizza part where Katy was introduced into the "Girls are icky" phase of childhood. She hung around hurt for a while until she finally took my advice of sitting wherever her little, feminine butt wanted to sit. I'm so proud of my little feminist...she plopped herself at the boys' table and didn't move until it was time to go. Good for her!

On the "boy" front, Jamie woke up screaming Saturday morning. For the first time, ever, he was able to verbalize what was wrong and told me his ears hurt. He was also running a fever, so I suppose tomorrow will be a doctor's visit for his ears -- the first for his ears since right after he had his tubes in! They fell out ages ago, so I've been very happy with the result of him having tubes!

My beloved husband, Frank, called me on Thursday night this week to tell me "we needed to talk" as he was on his way home from work. Terrified, I just knew he was going to tell me he had lost his job and I was absolutely nauseated as I waited for him to come home. I could have punched him when I met him at the door and he said, "I got a raise!" I cried with relief, then immediately apologized for crying! But, when all is said and done, I'm thrilled that he has done so well! Good job, my sweets!

All for this week. I've got one more load of laundry to get folded before we get back in the "week."

Neutral

How is it November already? How is it that it's time to set our clocks back an hour already? How is it Frank's birthday on Monday?

This year is almost over. I hate the month of November...I've had too much crappy stuff happen in the month of November. The one really, really good thing that happened in November happened on the 28th of 1994 when Frank and I went on our first date. That was 16 years ago!!

I've been doing alright lately. I saw a new psychiatrist and I think he's ok. I've only seen him once so I can't really say whether I like him until I get to know him a little more. I'm also seeing a therapist and I do really like him. He's a great guy. The psychiatrist prescribed Abilify for me and took me off of everything else. I think it's working, but will need a couple more weeks to know for sure.

In the meantime, my back has been killing me. I see pain management on Monday and I hope they can do something about it until I see the neurosurgeon -- whenever that's going to be -- who I hope will do a laminectomy on my two bad discs and then fuse the vertebrae. I just can't live with this back any more.

So, I can't say things are great, but things are definitely not awful. I'd say I'm in a neutral place right now...and that's definitely OK.