I'm awake again...

at 3 AM. It seems a pattern has emerged where I wake up every morning at 3 AM. I'm not liking this early wake-up call because I generally can't sleep well after I get up. So, I'm going to do something useful and then try and go back to sleep for a while.

I've been in a pretty major funk for the last few weeks. I managed to slide through Christmas with a pasted smile on my face, but it was hard. It takes all my energy to get up in the morning, get the kids off to wherever they need to be, and get myself to school or work. Luckily, I'm off work this week, so I've mostly just sat on the couch eating peanut butter M&Ms and watching TV (anything that makes me cry is a plus). This is the first Christmas season that this has ever happened to me.

You see, I'm haunted by memories. I dream about old friends and old family, then I wake up at 3 AM and can't shake the dream and the people stick in my mind for the rest of the night/morning. It started with my Grandpa Walf, who died during my first leave from my ship in 1996. That's freakin' 14 years ago and he still haunts my dreams as if I saw him yesterday. It's gone on to other people that are out of my life now and I spend the hours of 3-7 AM thinking about those I've dreamed about and not going back to sleep.

I'm not kidding you -- this has been one of the worst down periods of my life. I literally have to force myself out of bed and I worry that one day I won't be able to do that, either.

The good news? I started back on Pristiq about a week ago and I've been feeling slightly more confident as the days go on. Hopefully, within another week, the effect will be more pronounced and I'll be able to get out and about with more vigor, instead of doing the basics just to get through the day. Like Frank said last night, I've been on "auto pilot" for the last couple of weeks, and it sucks. I want to do so much more, but lack the energy to do anything. Pristiq worked wonders before and I trust that it'll do it again and I just have to give it time to work.

I know from experience that these periods won't last forever, though it often feels like forever at the time. And it does feel like forever now...