Definitions

Women define themselves with words, sometimes backed by actions. We are mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, friends. Each of those relationships depends on actions we do for others and on our status of belonging. I am Frank's wife. I am my Mother's daughter, and my Father's. I am my kids' Mother. I am Tony's sister. When asked what we do, we say things like, "I'm a Mom and a housewife." We give up ourselves to those around us. We belong in the world according to our service to others.

I struggle with this relational being. I AM a Mom, I AM a wife, I AM a daughter...but that is not all that I AM, and those things do not reflect my feelings, desires, and goals. The older I get, the more I question who and what I am, but the answers I discover only work for a little while.

I am a student...but I am sick of school, am tired of homework, and ready to join the "real" world, which for reasons I won't go into right now has evaded me.

I am a writer...but I find it nearly impossible to sit down and write.

I am a musician...but I don't do much more than listen to music anymore.

How do we escape our servitude? We can't tell our children, too young to get along without the loving hands of a mother, to tough it out and do it on their own (at least we can't if we care for them even a little). We can't leave our husbands to take care of it by themselves, though it occasionally seems to be a good idea. We can't withdraw from the world, or forge on ahead, while still holding the hands of those we love. Some people do, and we hear about their kids on the news. That's not me.

Perhaps that's the key? It's easy to define myself by saying what I am NOT, or what I will NOT do. I'm a woman who will not leave her family. I will not leave my kids to get themselves to school in the morning without my help. I will not be the Mom who doesn't get up every morning to pack her daughter's lunch. The mere inclusion of the word "not" implies negativity, though, and I'd rather say those things that I will do....and that's a hard task for me. I can tell you what I've done, my accomplishments and achievements. That's my history and, yes, part of the person I am, but it is not all of what makes me, well, me.

I am proud of my kids. My daughter's smile and my son's laugh are some of the brightest parts of my life. I love my husband. I adore and respect my parents, my brother, and my extended family. But, who am I when the day is done? When everyone else is asleep and the night closes in, how do I define myself? And, how do I do it in such a way that I belong to only myself for a while?